Five people show up at your door. “We’re here to review your marriage”, they say.

Of course I ask to see their credentials from the Ministry but all seems to be in order so I let them in.

“Is it just me you need to see” I ask “or should I get my husband to come down?”.

They shake their heads and settle in unison onto our couch. This means there is no where for me to sit so I stand awkwardly in front of them like I have an announcement to make, or we’re playing charades.

“Can I offer you a drink or…” I trail off as they shake their heads again and begin pulling files out of their bags, along with an iPad and something that looks like that instrument that doctors look into your ears with.

Just then ‘I will survive’ resumes its blaring from the speakers. “Hey Google. STOP” I say desperately and immediately my 80’s power ballad playlist stops. The following silence feels like the seventh person in the room.

“Sorry about that I muted it when you knocked and it was just on pause so I suppose it wanted to be heard…”, I start babbling. “I’m not sure why I’m so nervous, we’ve nothing to hide, you’ll see, Joel and I work at being happy every day, we’ve initiated three other couples from our section into the marriage program, and we’re about to get our five year pledge tattoos” I manage to stop as I see their polite expressions haven’t changed a bit.

“Question one” the oldest lady barks and my head swings sharply to the right. I haven’t even heard the first question and already I’m more nervous and doubting myself, no wonder so many women fail the review, they haven’t even been overtly threatening but I’m terrified. Their credentials, in conjunction with the probe, and the fact they’re here in my living room at all, make me fear for the lives I hold in my hands. I just hope the sudden lack of music, our pre-arranged signal in our never silent household, has alerted Joel and he is saving the 12 souls secreted throughout our home.